you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
