yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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