I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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