My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
