saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
