Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
