god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
