when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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