Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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