You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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