It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize