its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
