I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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