all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
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I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
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I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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