I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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