Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
