i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
