I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
