i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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