Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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