how hairy? two words: wookie tits
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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