He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
