Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She's the barista slut.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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