guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
