Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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