There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
