My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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