I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
