I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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