Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
