Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
