does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
