I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
