allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
