Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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