I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
