I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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