i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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