let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
