i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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