totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
