Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
