worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
