Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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