just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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