You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
