I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
