he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
