Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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