So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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