Your mouth is God's brothel.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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