I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Floor bacon is actually really good
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
