I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
