Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
