you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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