I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
