i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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