girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
