the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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