I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
