My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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